15 February 2012

I found this post in my my box as a draft. I guess I got distracted when I had to leave for the appointment with my transplant hepatologist. I figured I'd go ahead and leave it as is and just finish it.

8 Feb

So here I sit, slurping up coffee after a pretty sleepless night. Two more hours to go before I finally find out what's going on with my liver. It's been months since I first found out something was wrong. Months of anxiety. Months of mood swings. Months of waiting while one doctor after another did lab tests and ultrasounds and hesitated to use the one clear diagnostic tool at their disposal, a biopsy. After all, they aren't the ones waiting to find out what is happening in their bodies. Ah well.

Months of introspection. We've known since day one that the likelihood of whatever is wrong being terminal is high. The main question seemed to be how long would I have. Recently, we were given hope that it might be a relatively benign diagnosis. Only to be reminded that, due to the markers they found, the terminal diagnosis will probably still come...just later. I don't know what to think about it anymore. I just need to know.

It has been an interesting experience, I'll admit. God can use any situation to work on your life. Months of wondering whether I have a terminal disease or not have given me a different perspective on life. I've noticed I do things differently than I used to. I'm not a perfect man by any stretch of the imagination. But now I find myself spending more time snuggling with my daughter, just to snuggle. Or holding my son so he can take a nap in my arms instead of putting him in his bed. Just so I can enjoy listening to him breath.

15 Feb

Well, the appointment went great! I am in the 2-5% of people with the marker for primary biliary cirrhosis who don't have the disease. At least not yet. Odds are that I'll develop it at some point in the next decade, but since I have to be tested every 6 months for now on, it will be caught early if it pops up, and be easily manageable. My liver is still off a bit, and I have to make some lifestyle changes, but I'll do that gladly.

It's so easy to take life for granted. We get settled in our ruts and go through life like a mule with blinders on.

I've always been afraid of change, but in the last few days I've found myself embracing it. I'm getting more organized. Finding new recipes to surprise the family with. Sneaking around to make chocolate covered strawberries for Sweetheart on Valentine's Day. Getting down on the floor more to play with the kids.

Now that I know my prognosis and can get over the anxiety, everything is a bit more focused. I've got a pretty long way to go before I'm the man I want to be. But I'm danged well gonna make the most of the trip from now on!