15 May 2012

Anyone Know How To Varnish A Dog?

Yep, I'm tired of that Furball being filthy. He rolls in God only knows what and then comes in here jumping on my lap wanting me to scratch his ears. I figure if I give him a good dip in varnish, then all I'll have to do is wipe him off with a wet rag, and voila! Allergen and germ-proof dog. Maybe shine him up with a little Rain-X so the water beads nicely.

Ok. Before anyone crashes my blog, or sics PETA on me, here's the disclaimer. I don't intend to varnish my dog. I love the little goofy Furball. But I will admit to wishing there was an easy way to keep the chubby little critter clean.

Now I'll tell you how the idea crossed my mind.

Friday, we had planned on leaving bright and early for Grandma's house. But...Sweetheart stuck me in with a cardiologist instead. Seems my lapses in consciousness have become more troublesome. So we had to postpone the trip.

To make up for it, Saturday, I took the family to the Fort Worth Museum of Science and History. Great place! They loved it. Especially the Grossology exhibit. And there's so much for little ones to interact with. From the air park, to the water courtyard, to digging for dinosaur bones. They had a blast!

And then...

Princess started projectile vomiting right before bedtime. All over the kitchen. I'd go into more detail, but I suddenly got queasy remembering it. Let's just say there were many baths in TrekkerDad's home that night.

And then...

Sunday morning, I woke up with the same stomach bug. We missed church, and of course, I was unable to carry out any of my plans for Mother's Day. Needless to say, Sweetheart was disappointed. But she tried valiantly to keep her chin up.

And then...

Her chin dropped. The poor woman had spent two days cleaning up after sick family members when she was supposed to be enjoying her special day. And she had missed seeing her Mom for the second time in a month.

And then...

She began remembering all the events and holidays which had been interrupted by an illness or an accident. There really haven't been as many episodes as she feels there have, but by Sunday night, in her mind, we have never been able to leave our home because someone or other in the family has been sick. Pretty much since time began.

Normally, I would have been pretty upset by this kind of dramatic exaggeration, but after the weekend she had, I didn't blame her a bit. In fact, truth be told, she wasn't exaggerating as badly as I would have liked. There have been alot of illnesses, and alot of accidents. I just figure that's life. It gets messy. Kids have allergies and ear infections. People develop cancer. Accidents happen. Okay, the dog pinching a nerve in his tail and not being able to move his hind quarters IS a bit odd. Spending almost $3000 to get the Furball back on his feet and living his normally comfy life again should convince the PETA folks that this title really was a joke.

But I'm chasing rabbits here. Point was, by Sunday night, Sweetheart was, umm, let's say cranky. Yeah, cranky. The kind of cranky only a woman who spent two days dealing with vomiting family members can be. So as we lay in bed, with me still gasping through random stomach cramps and her being cranky, I made her a promise. First, I reminded her that Mother's Day actually had not come yet. It's next Saturday. I don't know how she got screwed up on the dates, but she did, so I corrected her. Then I promised that, no matter what happened, I would have her at Grandma's house to celebrate Mother's Day next weekend. We can stay as long as she likes, and do anything she wants.

I promised that nothing would stand in the way of this trip, and that I would do everything I could to make sure no event in the future gets disrupted. I'd bathe the kids in alcohol as the come home from school. I'd bring in tanker trucks of alcohol and pump it in through the chimney until is came filled the house and overflowed, killing any germs hiding in there. I'd set up a decontamination station at the front door to clear any packages or guests coming before they come in. I'd buy biosuits for everyone to wear when we go out to protect us from the bugs we keep picking up. And I'd varnish the Furball so he couldn't bring in any more germs!

That's as far as I managed to get before the desired effect was achieved. She went to sleep laughing and happy. Which was good, because if I'd had to come up with any more germ prevention techniques, she might have stopped laughing and called the men in the white coats to come take me away.

But, the promise was for real. And it's public now, so everyone knows. My Sweetheart will be enjoying a weekend with her parents no matter what.

(Anyone know how to get ahold of tanker trucks of alcohol?)