22 July 2012

7 Days to Go

Okay, so perhaps I'm feeling my age today. Or at least I am at 2 in the morning as I write this. I can remember my Mama inadvertently waking me up by doing chores in the middle of the night because she could only sleep for a couple of hours at a time. My Granny was the same way. I would often wake up to find her making a pot of coffee at 2 or 3 in the morning. She said she was too old to sleep any more. Most of the time, I'd get up with her and listen to the stories she would tell of her life, often accompanied by tears. I always got the feeling she was kept awake by grief and regret, since most of the stories seemed to end up in one or both of those emotions. I recall telling myself I wouldn't be that way.

But, perhaps I am regardless of my self admonitions, seeing as how I'm lying here wondering how to fix the problems which have developed with my Princess. Recently, she's begun having attitude problems. Not just temper tantrums, which are normal for a four year old, but actual attitude problems. Speaking disrespectfully; ignoring the household rules; ignoring her Mommy and I when we correct her; and a host of other behaviors she's never exhibited before. Today it had Sweetheart and I at wits end.

It's my fault. My illnesses have taken so much of my time and energy to deal with lately. I do what I'm able with the kids, but it's definitely not enough. And she knows it. It seems like every minute I spend in activity with Princess is met with her demands for an hour more. Which isn't possible right now. Which causes a lot of guilt and anger in me. I feel I should be able to push through and do more with the kids, regardless of how I feel physically. I feel like I'm failing them in my weakness and that's why we're having so many problems with Princess. I feel like a failure as a father.

I wonder if this is why Mama and Granny were so often awake at 2 in the morning.

Or maybe I'm just freaking old and should go make the coffee.