02 October 2012

Odd Things I Hear

Ya know, as a father, you hear odd things around your home. Some you want to hear - like, "Wow, the boy just said his first word!"

Unfortunately, the things you hear most often tend to be things you really would rather not hear uttered in your home.

Today, topping the list was my wife suddenly saying, "Don't lick me!"

What made me shake my head in dismay was the fact that when I looked under the table to tell the Furball to get out of there, I didn't see the dog...

I saw my daughter.

Anyone have some Excedrin?

01 October 2012

Will Wonders Never Cease!

I've heard that it can happen. Rumors, innuendos, funny stories - but no one I know has ever actually been able to say they've seen it happen with their own eyes. I mean, seriously, it has to be against the laws of the universe. Right?

Nope!

This morning, I saw it. I could hardly believe my own eyes. If I hadn't been taking a sip of coffee, which made me look in precisely the right direction at precisely the right time, I would have missed it.

I actually saw someone pass gas so violently that it blew them up off their chair!

If you think I'm making this up, consider this. It was my own dear Sweetheart! So, since I'm obviously risking severe injury to my person, why would I lie?

This is what happened...

We've been on Weight Watchers together for the last ten days. It's been great! So far I'm down ten pounds. But I digress. The point is, we've made serious changes to our diets. And of course, that has, um, side effects.

Now, I'm a man. When I pass gas, it's funny. I blame it in the dog, who generally runs - okay, waddles - out of the room in indignation, my daughter laughs, my son looks on in admiration as he dreams of future flatulencial glory of his own and my wife rolls her eyes.

But not today. Oh, no! Not today!

Today, as we sat at the table enjoying our first cup of coffee together in that blessed predawn glory of quiet - meaning the kids were still asleep - I took a sip of coffee and enjoyed a glance at my wife, who looks so incredibly beautiful in the mornings, even if she doesn't believe it.

At that exact moment, I heard an explosion. Kind of like an M80 exploding underneath a barrel - a little muffled, but still very loud. And as the explosion occurred, my wife flew at least two inches straight up off her chair! It was astonishing!

I realized that I had witnessed history. She denied it vehemently, before giving in and remarking upon the fact that I pass gas all the time. Well, of course I do, I'm a man. But I've never launched myself off a chair!

Oh, my friends - it was incredible, truly wonderful. The only thing that would have made it better would have been me having a video camera running. I'm pretty sure she would have made the Guinness Book of Records.

As it is, I can content myself in the knowledge that I now have a lifetime of giggles ahead of me, as I remind her of the time she launched herself off her chair.

...

Of course, having posted this in the public domain, that lifetime may be short, indeed.

...

But it's worth it.