30 November 2012

How I Saved the World from a Zombie Apocalypse

This morning, as I sat savoring a quiet cup of coffee, my wife and son came smiling down the stairs. The reason I consider this worthy of note is simple - it hasn't happened frequently here lately. The boy has been teething again and has been crankier than an old man who's wife has drug him along to the quilting bee.

Anyway, the boy got ahold of a Wii remote and started happily slinging it around. This concerned me, since the things aren't cheap, and I am. So I asked him to bring it to me.

He refused.

He smiled real wide and I knew - I had to deal with this carefully or I could spend the remainder of the day locked in miserable combat with a two year old. So I asked him again to bring it too me, at which point, he smilingly laid down on the floor in front of the back door and put the remote under his head while giggling at me.

Now I don't think he was being malicious, he just thought it as a game. But you have to be careful about these things. The game of today can turn into the thermonuclear devastation of tomorrow. So I asked myself, do I want to preserve the day and give in, thus setting my son of for a life of running from the zombies who inherit the earth after he giggles and decides punching the red button on a tour of the White House is funny, thus setting off the nuclear apocalypse which mutates all survivors except himself into brain eating zombies, or do I want to ruin the whole day, and smash his developing sense of independence and fun by forcing him to return the remote.

I decided to explore the situation and gather more information. Kind of like one of those Senate fact finding missions that politicians enjoy so much. Except without the champion bar and the private jets. And hopefully with more useful intelligence, although I wasn't sure.

I asked the boy, as he smiled up at me, if he thought he was cute enough to get away with disobeying Daddy, in answer to which he smiled even bigger and nodded vigorously.

At this point, I was in dangerous territory and I knew it. I had to defuse this situation carefully. So I looked back into the fog of my accumulated knowledge and decided on the one ploy that may avert disaster. The big stick compromise. Oh ya gotta love Teddy!

I told the boy with a big smile on my face, "Okay, I'll let you play with it for now, as long as you play very carefully. You can't swing it around or hit anything else with it. You have to hold it in both hands and not by the cord. Do you think you can do that?"

He jumped up smiling even bigger - that boy can smile with his whole body -and nodded so hard he got dizzy, after which he carefully clasped both hands on the remote and began playing.

Shortly after, I heard it hit the bakers rack.

Uh oh.

I told him that he had broken the deal and he had to bring it to me. He shook his head. Dang, how could I solve the situation. I don't want screaming today. "Bring it to me son", I say. He runs to mommy.

Ah ha!

"Okay, son" said I, "give it to mommy." That brought him up short. He was confused at first, but he knew he was outsmarted. Mommy knows she can just go to her office and close the door. Mommy wouldn't hesitate to make him scream by taking away the toy. He handed it over to. I called him to me, hugging him and forgiving him - so he would know he had done wrong (as if he cared), and got set him up with some safer toys.

This round went to Daddy. I was able to finish my coffee in relative peace, while patting myself on the back for saving the world. Zombies averted.

This time...