25 June 2013

Yet Another Thing I Never Expected To Hear

Sweetheart was getting the kids ready for bed while I showered. Normally, the bedtime routine takes quite awhile and is fairly noisy, so I was surprised to get out of the shower and find the house quiet. Both kids were obediently in their beds, the dog was quietly roaming around making sure there were no stray crumbs, and Sweetheart was lying on the bed absolutely exuding tension and frustration.

Now, having been married for seven years now, and having two children with this woman, I knew better than to ask what had happened. Instead, I took her downstairs to watch some TV that wasn't animated and relax.

My plan worked well, apparently. As we were getting ready to watch the show, she suddenly said, "You don't understand! The boy grabbed a fork and was trying to comb my hair with it!! It hurt!"

I always seem to miss the more interesting events of the day.

24 June 2013

Wow!

The things you hear nowadays!

I'm relaxing on the couch with my Sweetheart, watching NCIS, when she suddenly looks over at me and asks, "Have you ever had to dig a dessert tick out from under the head of your penis?

What the...??!!

As my mind shut down to protect itself from the mental anguish of contemplating that question and it's potential body-piercing visuals, I vaguely heard her explain that one of her FB buddies had posted about her poor young son being in that exact, horrifying situation.

I don't believe I'll ever be able to sleep again. I'm already having nightmares, and I'm still awake.

16 June 2013

I Have a Five Year Old Teenager

Seriously, I do.

Today was a great day. We went to the aquarium in Grapevine and had a lot of fun. Of course, a the day marched on, so too did the fatigue of my napless little ones. I wasn't too worried about it, but I figured it might make bedtime dramatic. As usual, I was correct.

It was kind of my fault though. I walked into the oldest one's bedroom and was almost blinded by light. See, Princess has gradually accumulated an overly abundant collection of lights in her room over the last year or so. She squirrels stuff away and it's gotten crazy. Tonight I had to make a change. She had a string of Christmas lights (so much for storing the Christmas decorations in her closet) blinking away in a pile on her floor and I decided it was time for them to go. I took them out, leaving her with only a night lite, the hall light and an eight foot long string of LED butterflies.

Oh, the drama! The tears fell until she started that hicupping,  stuttering whimper,  which I'm pretty sure is her secret weapon of last resort. Her near unbeatable method for getting me to back down.

Or so she thinks.

I stood my ground and put her to bed.

And then I heard it, as I walked down the stairs.

"Why (sob) does life (hiccup) have to be so hard? Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!"

What the...?

When did five become the new 15?

10 June 2013

Great Moments

Ah, Ya gotta love those moments when you wish your camera was in your hand and ready. They fly by so fast, leaving only the laughter and a fun memory.

And sometimes a red face...

I was sitting with the kids outside of the Kohl's dressing room while Sweetheart was trying on swimsuits. She was getting flustered as she tried on suits. Seriously, why do women actually put themselves through this yearly orgy of masochism? Why not they just do what men do when we feel less than studly in our swimsuit, and stick to baggy shorts and t-shirts?

In any case, she came out in a very loudly patterned one piece. As I started to give her a once over, Princess reached out and grabbed her Mommy's breasts, one in each hand, and said - in that really loud little girl voice - "Mommy, what are these?!"

I thought I was going to wet myself!

I do believe the look on my wife's face paid for every moment I've ever spent corralling squirmy kids outside dressing rooms.

04 June 2013

Things I Never Expected To Say #2

Son, please don't lick dust off the vacuum cleaner!

03 June 2013

Harsh Honesty

Nothing can deflate one's ego like the honesty of a child.

I'm a big boy - which is how we Texans say we're fat - but I've been losing weight and toning things up for awhile now. So it caught me by surprise when I was putting Princess back to bed and as I leaned over to tuck her in she said, "Daddy, I thought only girls had boobies, not boys!"

So much for toning up. Hmm, maybe a girdle?

02 June 2013

Have ya ever...

Have Ya ever scared the daylights out of yourself? I mean scared yourself so well that you just about wet yourself?

Today, I did.

Recently, I had a new security system installed. And being a man, I had to get all the cool doohickies that came with it. My favorite - until today - is the app that lets me control the house automation and security from my phone. Today, the family was out and I was gathering up the tools for my to do list. I sat down at the table to check my list again, then headed for the back door. Now mind you, I had been going inane out for a bit, and the alarm wasn't set. It was just me and the Furball, and he can't reach the control panel. And no matter how much he begs, I'm not getting him a phone, so he can't control the system.

Well, I opened that back door and all help broke loose. The siren (which I'm pretty sure is louder than advertised) started wailing, he dog started running in circles and howling and a loud, disembodied voice directly behind me suddenly said, "Hello, is everything okay?"

I dang near had a heart attack.

Who knew you could butt dial your alarm?

28 May 2013

Warm Fuzzies

When parents get sick, there's no one to kiss it and make it all better. I've had laryngitis for five days now, and it's driving me nuts. But when Little Man climbed up on the couch beside me, took my finger in his tiny hand and laid his head against me to keep me company - well, warm fuzzies are pretty great medicine.

12 May 2013

Boo Boo - ger

Being a man, I thought I was prepared for all the little surprises my son might come up with. After all, I was a little boy at one point myself.

Apparently, I was a different kind of little boy than my son. Perhaps my OCD extends a bit farther back in time than I previously thought.

Little Man has a knack for grossing me out like nothing I ever imagined.

I was sitting at my computer when my fearless boy ran up screaming and crying. He was pitching such a fit I immediately started looking for severed ears or gushing wounds. I figured he had to be hurt. I couldn't see anything, and I was trying to calm him down when he suddenly shoved his hand at my face.

On his right index finger was the biggest booger I have ever seen!

And he couldn't get it off.

And it freaked him out even more than it did me!

I didn't know OCD was genetic.

30 April 2013

True Love

There comes a time in every Daddy's life when he hears those words he doesn't want to hear: "Daddy, I have a boyfriend!"

I really didn't expect it to be when she was five. I was at the counter making tortillas when I heard it today. I caught myself before I hit the ground, but the world swayed mightily. My little Princess is growing so very fast. Just yesterday, it seems, she was sleeping on my chest with her Pink. Today, she's planning to marry Cody. Lord have mercy.

And as if my constitution wasn't tested thoroughly enough by the whole boyfriend thing...

So, I know someday she will ask me true love. "How do I know it's true love, Daddy?" Now I have an answer.

See, Sweetheart decided to help me out by taking out the compost pail. She had never worked my compost tumbler before. She closed the lid, thought it was locked and turned it. Then she screamed. I would have taken a picture, but that bin isn't ready to dump out, see. I was a little too busy trying not to hurl.

So, how does that answer the question? Well, when you see that and immediately grab a shovel instead of making your Sweetheart clean up the mess, then you know you have TRUE LOVE.

????

Ah, the wonders of life as a parent!

Amazing.

Mysterious.

Unknowable.

Filled with unanswerable questions.

Questions like - Why in the world is sparkling rainbow colored glitter cooked onto my tortilla griddle? And how did it get there when I store that thing on a shelf six feet off the floor?

28 April 2013

Disillusionment

The Princess is hiding.

Shattered by disillusionment.

I didn't mean to do it. Honestly!

But when I told her that we didn't actually have her baby brother as a toy for her, it just broke her heart.

--  Did you know that if you say something funny, not realizing it's funny until after your wife chokes, but you're unable to laugh because it will destroy the effectiveness of your disciplinary statement, it can make you cry.  --

20 April 2013

Busted

Well, I knew it had to happen eventually. The writing was on the wall for a few years now. Things were just changing too fast, and it really was just a matter of time before someone caught me.

My daddy would be so ashamed.

I guess it all started after a brush with cancer a few years ago, when I started taking a hard look at what my family ate. Sweetheart and I decided that if she, as a biochemist, couldn't pronounce the ingredients list of a prospective food, we weren't going to eat it. We started cooking with primary ingredients from scratch. Then I started baking. Well, that all led to an eye opening price check. When I started grinding wheat (yes, the grinder is electric) and baking loaves of bread for 25 cents a loaf, I discovered an inner frugaholic that I had never known existed. I started finding ways to incorporate all kinds of cost saving, quality enhancing items into our lives. I found castile soap and essential oils and started cleaning better and oh so much cheaper. Then I got a vacuum packer. I love my vacuum packer. Sweetheart had to make me promise to never vac-pac the kids or the dog, but after that she just let me go. Now she finds the sales and I process it for storage. My goal is a herd of longhorns. I think I can do 'em. I've got me a 60 gallon tote full of assorted sizes of sealer rolls and pouches and a spare foodsaver to boot. I can seal 'em and  freeze 'em or batch cook 'em as soon as she rolls 'em through the doorway.

Aaahhhaa! I do love me a good meat sale.
This last one though bit me in the butt and exposed my secret double life.

It all happened 'cuz my revered Most Redneck Brother came over to pressure wash my fence for restaining. Sweetheart had caught a good sale and as I was processing chicken and chops to be grilled in a weekly batch, I saw the beef ribs. Now I don't like eating ribs off the bone. I like a little less of a mess. Especially with two kids to clean up. So I like the ribs to melt off the bone - which is why I bake 'em.

There I said it! It's out now and the world can shake their heads in disgust if they want. Most Redneck was so shocked I though he was going to drop his cold beer. He told me that I was doing wrong. And their could be no excuse. He said he could never suffer to touch ribs from an oven.

That was probably the wrong time to wonder aloud if Sweetheart was finding the pair of crocs I was interested on trying out after years of her trying to tell me it would be fine of I wore plastic shows with no socks.

Most Redneck set down his beer, picked it right back up and said,"I'm formally revoking your redneck license, bubba. You done got too danged crunchy.

Hello, my name is TrekkerDad, and I am a crunchy, recycling, half hippy half redneck.

Wonder if I'm too old to learn how to play hacky sack?

13 April 2013

Priorities

The weather is perfect for working in my garden today. So after giving the girls a shopping list and sending them off to run errands, I started reading the instructions for my new drip irrigation system while gathering up Little Man for his nap. I figured I'd put him down and get to work. He had other ideas.  Sweetheart will roll her eyes, I'm sure, but when the child who's normally too busy to give Daddy the time of day wants to kick back and watch Bob the Builder - well, it's all about getting priorities straight.

And I do kinda get a kick out of that idiot, Spud.

20 February 2013

Public Warning...

This is what happens when you lose track of a cocker spaniel while you're setting up the Candy Land themed decorations for your daughter's birthday party. Goofy critter snuck an unknown number of suckers of the candy mountain I was building while my back was turned. All we found were sticks. A few hours later, Sweetheart said he looked sick.
 
No - he's just coming off a wicked sugar high! He doesn't even have the energy to wag his tail.
 
... This is our dog ...


... This is candy ...


.
.. This is our dog on candy ...

13 February 2013

Thought for the Day #23

You know you're an amateur when you decide that a strip or two of packing tape will add structural strength to the balloon you're using to make a pinata for your daughter's birthday - and you end up taping yourself to the pinata.

07 February 2013

Sick

Well, the flu has finally hit, and it hit hard. Both the kids now have it. I'm pretty sure that's breaking the law, but it is what it is.

Add to that the fact that Little Man has been trying to cut his two year molars for - well, for longer than I can remember, and you have some sleepy parents.

Today, as Sweetheart and I were in the kitchen, desperately trying to stay awake while the kids were playing, she said, "You now, I don't think we've actually been able to have an uninterrupted night of sleep since November. It's amazing we're not sick, too!"

To which I replied, "We probably are! It's just that the bugs that got into us are so freakin' tired to do anything right now."

Now I can hear little voices inside me screaming, "Come on, man, make the kids sleep so we can get to work on you!"

28 January 2013

Dog Talk

So, the boy is teething again. He's cutting his molars and he's not happy about it. For that matter, neither is anyone else.

The night before last (I was to tired to write yesterday), he kept us awake pretty much the whole night. After he finally gave up and fell into exhausted and fitful slumber, I laid in bed trying to go back to sleep, silently envying my wife, who could easily sleep through a tornado. When I realized that I was contemplating rolling her out of bed, just so I wouldn't be the only one awake, I figured I might oughta get myself downstairs before I got myself in trouble.

I had brewed up a cup of coffee and was diligently working on my to do list for the day - okay, I was playing a video game, but hey, it was 3 o'clock in the freaking morning - when I head a familiar sound on the stairs. It sounds kind of like a bunch of bowling balls being rolled down the stairs all at once. In reality, it's the sound my beloved Furball makes when he's in a hurry to get downstairs.

I was rather surprised to hear him coming down, since he normally won't move until my wife does, and he and I both knew she wasn't going to move for hours yet. Well, I watched him round the corner fast and I moved to get him some fresh water and to open the door to let him out.

Now, if you know me, then you know I speak dog fluently. I'm often called upon as a translator, and Furball and I enjoy rousing conversations, mostly focusing on politics, relationships and dog treats.

This morning, however, he was a bit grumpy. He trotted past me saying, "Don't worry about water, Dad. I just came down to pee." As I opened the door, he saw that it had rained and the ground was wet. He hesitated, as he remembered with great trepidation, his past experience with wet ground. You see, Sweetheart used to freak out about muddy paws, so whenever he went out when it was wet, she would meet him at the door with a towel and scrub his feet dry. Furball doesn't like this. I've seen that dog hold it for 18 hours before, rather than go out in the rain. Six years since she's done it, but he's still leery of rain.

This time, however, he looked up at me and said, "Aw, what the heck. She's not gonna be conscious for hours yet, thanks to that boy you two had to have." So out he goes to pee. As he came back in, he looked at me with the drooping, reddened, bleary eyes of exhaustion that can only be seen on a cocker spaniel who's been deprived of his necessary 20 hours of daily sleep and said, "I'm wiped out, Dad. I'm going back to bed."

He started to wearily amble back the way he had come, then stopped and turn his head back to me, cocked his ears, and asked in a - slightly - humorous tone, "Dad, can I just eat him so we can all get a good night sleep?"

Hmm, sometimes it's worrisome having a talking dog.

26 January 2013

I Want Diapers, Too

I believe I want me some diapers.

Not for the boy, mind you - for myself.

Now, don't fall off your chair yet. And be careful. Try not to blow coffee out your nose. Hear me out now.

See, just about every man over 40 knows that their comfy sleep will be broken at least once a night by the need to pee. It's really annoying.

So, as I was making my trek across the room just now, trying to avoid stepping on Furball or any Lego land mines the kids might have snuck in, I thought to myself, "Little Man has it made! He can sleep right through the call off the waterfall."

And that's when it hit me - I want a diaper, too!

Shoot, all that boy has to do is let it rip, and leave it to us to change his 20 pound diaper in the morning. Why can't I enjoy that kind of blissful freedom? The freedom to wake up at oh dark thirty and think to myself, "The heck with stumbling all the way to the toilet! Aaaaaahhhhhh!" And then, back to sweet slumber!

Hmm...

I wonder if they make size 54 Huggies?

Ooh - more importantly, I wonder if Sweetheart would change me in the morning?

Hmmm...

24 January 2013

Thought for the Day #22

You know you're two year old has started cutting his molars when you've lost so much sleep that you're standing at the sink shaving at 4 am and your wife comes in and takes your underwear off, not to get frisky, but to put them on the right way after you put them on backwards.

PS - And then you come downstairs for coffee and realize you put your pants on inside out.

20 January 2013

More Testosterone, Please!

I think I need to have another son - or two or three - so the testosterone in the house will override the estrogen.

And this kind of thing is why. I speak dog, so I'll translate what he said. My poor Furball!

ZZZ.....mmm, rabbits...mmm, squirrels...
ZZZ..snort..huh...Why'd I wake up? What's going on?? Did someone say treat???
Hey, wait just a doggone minute! Is there something on my hea -  HEY WAIT! STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!!
I'm tellin' ya, Mommy - I love ya, but you 're gonna want to put that camera down.  
Okay! Now you've done it. That's just mean.
DADDY! Can I pee on her camera?