28 January 2013

Dog Talk

So, the boy is teething again. He's cutting his molars and he's not happy about it. For that matter, neither is anyone else.

The night before last (I was to tired to write yesterday), he kept us awake pretty much the whole night. After he finally gave up and fell into exhausted and fitful slumber, I laid in bed trying to go back to sleep, silently envying my wife, who could easily sleep through a tornado. When I realized that I was contemplating rolling her out of bed, just so I wouldn't be the only one awake, I figured I might oughta get myself downstairs before I got myself in trouble.

I had brewed up a cup of coffee and was diligently working on my to do list for the day - okay, I was playing a video game, but hey, it was 3 o'clock in the freaking morning - when I head a familiar sound on the stairs. It sounds kind of like a bunch of bowling balls being rolled down the stairs all at once. In reality, it's the sound my beloved Furball makes when he's in a hurry to get downstairs.

I was rather surprised to hear him coming down, since he normally won't move until my wife does, and he and I both knew she wasn't going to move for hours yet. Well, I watched him round the corner fast and I moved to get him some fresh water and to open the door to let him out.

Now, if you know me, then you know I speak dog fluently. I'm often called upon as a translator, and Furball and I enjoy rousing conversations, mostly focusing on politics, relationships and dog treats.

This morning, however, he was a bit grumpy. He trotted past me saying, "Don't worry about water, Dad. I just came down to pee." As I opened the door, he saw that it had rained and the ground was wet. He hesitated, as he remembered with great trepidation, his past experience with wet ground. You see, Sweetheart used to freak out about muddy paws, so whenever he went out when it was wet, she would meet him at the door with a towel and scrub his feet dry. Furball doesn't like this. I've seen that dog hold it for 18 hours before, rather than go out in the rain. Six years since she's done it, but he's still leery of rain.

This time, however, he looked up at me and said, "Aw, what the heck. She's not gonna be conscious for hours yet, thanks to that boy you two had to have." So out he goes to pee. As he came back in, he looked at me with the drooping, reddened, bleary eyes of exhaustion that can only be seen on a cocker spaniel who's been deprived of his necessary 20 hours of daily sleep and said, "I'm wiped out, Dad. I'm going back to bed."

He started to wearily amble back the way he had come, then stopped and turn his head back to me, cocked his ears, and asked in a - slightly - humorous tone, "Dad, can I just eat him so we can all get a good night sleep?"

Hmm, sometimes it's worrisome having a talking dog.

26 January 2013

I Want Diapers, Too

I believe I want me some diapers.

Not for the boy, mind you - for myself.

Now, don't fall off your chair yet. And be careful. Try not to blow coffee out your nose. Hear me out now.

See, just about every man over 40 knows that their comfy sleep will be broken at least once a night by the need to pee. It's really annoying.

So, as I was making my trek across the room just now, trying to avoid stepping on Furball or any Lego land mines the kids might have snuck in, I thought to myself, "Little Man has it made! He can sleep right through the call off the waterfall."

And that's when it hit me - I want a diaper, too!

Shoot, all that boy has to do is let it rip, and leave it to us to change his 20 pound diaper in the morning. Why can't I enjoy that kind of blissful freedom? The freedom to wake up at oh dark thirty and think to myself, "The heck with stumbling all the way to the toilet! Aaaaaahhhhhh!" And then, back to sweet slumber!


I wonder if they make size 54 Huggies?

Ooh - more importantly, I wonder if Sweetheart would change me in the morning?


24 January 2013

Thought for the Day #22

You know you're two year old has started cutting his molars when you've lost so much sleep that you're standing at the sink shaving at 4 am and your wife comes in and takes your underwear off, not to get frisky, but to put them on the right way after you put them on backwards.

PS - And then you come downstairs for coffee and realize you put your pants on inside out.

20 January 2013

More Testosterone, Please!

I think I need to have another son - or two or three - so the testosterone in the house will override the estrogen.

And this kind of thing is why. I speak dog, so I'll translate what he said. My poor Furball!

ZZZ.....mmm, rabbits...mmm, squirrels...
ZZZ..snort..huh...Why'd I wake up? What's going on?? Did someone say treat???
Hey, wait just a doggone minute! Is there something on my hea -  HEY WAIT! STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!!
I'm tellin' ya, Mommy - I love ya, but you 're gonna want to put that camera down.  
Okay! Now you've done it. That's just mean.
DADDY! Can I pee on her camera?