25 June 2013

Yet Another Thing I Never Expected To Hear

Sweetheart was getting the kids ready for bed while I showered. Normally, the bedtime routine takes quite awhile and is fairly noisy, so I was surprised to get out of the shower and find the house quiet. Both kids were obediently in their beds, the dog was quietly roaming around making sure there were no stray crumbs, and Sweetheart was lying on the bed absolutely exuding tension and frustration.

Now, having been married for seven years now, and having two children with this woman, I knew better than to ask what had happened. Instead, I took her downstairs to watch some TV that wasn't animated and relax.

My plan worked well, apparently. As we were getting ready to watch the show, she suddenly said, "You don't understand! The boy grabbed a fork and was trying to comb my hair with it!! It hurt!"

I always seem to miss the more interesting events of the day.

24 June 2013

Wow!

The things you hear nowadays!

I'm relaxing on the couch with my Sweetheart, watching NCIS, when she suddenly looks over at me and asks, "Have you ever had to dig a dessert tick out from under the head of your penis?

What the...??!!

As my mind shut down to protect itself from the mental anguish of contemplating that question and it's potential body-piercing visuals, I vaguely heard her explain that one of her FB buddies had posted about her poor young son being in that exact, horrifying situation.

I don't believe I'll ever be able to sleep again. I'm already having nightmares, and I'm still awake.

16 June 2013

I Have a Five Year Old Teenager

Seriously, I do.

Today was a great day. We went to the aquarium in Grapevine and had a lot of fun. Of course, a the day marched on, so too did the fatigue of my napless little ones. I wasn't too worried about it, but I figured it might make bedtime dramatic. As usual, I was correct.

It was kind of my fault though. I walked into the oldest one's bedroom and was almost blinded by light. See, Princess has gradually accumulated an overly abundant collection of lights in her room over the last year or so. She squirrels stuff away and it's gotten crazy. Tonight I had to make a change. She had a string of Christmas lights (so much for storing the Christmas decorations in her closet) blinking away in a pile on her floor and I decided it was time for them to go. I took them out, leaving her with only a night lite, the hall light and an eight foot long string of LED butterflies.

Oh, the drama! The tears fell until she started that hicupping,  stuttering whimper,  which I'm pretty sure is her secret weapon of last resort. Her near unbeatable method for getting me to back down.

Or so she thinks.

I stood my ground and put her to bed.

And then I heard it, as I walked down the stairs.

"Why (sob) does life (hiccup) have to be so hard? Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!"

What the...?

When did five become the new 15?

10 June 2013

Great Moments

Ah, Ya gotta love those moments when you wish your camera was in your hand and ready. They fly by so fast, leaving only the laughter and a fun memory.

And sometimes a red face...

I was sitting with the kids outside of the Kohl's dressing room while Sweetheart was trying on swimsuits. She was getting flustered as she tried on suits. Seriously, why do women actually put themselves through this yearly orgy of masochism? Why not they just do what men do when we feel less than studly in our swimsuit, and stick to baggy shorts and t-shirts?

In any case, she came out in a very loudly patterned one piece. As I started to give her a once over, Princess reached out and grabbed her Mommy's breasts, one in each hand, and said - in that really loud little girl voice - "Mommy, what are these?!"

I thought I was going to wet myself!

I do believe the look on my wife's face paid for every moment I've ever spent corralling squirmy kids outside dressing rooms.

04 June 2013

Things I Never Expected To Say #2

Son, please don't lick dust off the vacuum cleaner!

03 June 2013

Harsh Honesty

Nothing can deflate one's ego like the honesty of a child.

I'm a big boy - which is how we Texans say we're fat - but I've been losing weight and toning things up for awhile now. So it caught me by surprise when I was putting Princess back to bed and as I leaned over to tuck her in she said, "Daddy, I thought only girls had boobies, not boys!"

So much for toning up. Hmm, maybe a girdle?

02 June 2013

Have ya ever...

Have Ya ever scared the daylights out of yourself? I mean scared yourself so well that you just about wet yourself?

Today, I did.

Recently, I had a new security system installed. And being a man, I had to get all the cool doohickies that came with it. My favorite - until today - is the app that lets me control the house automation and security from my phone. Today, the family was out and I was gathering up the tools for my to do list. I sat down at the table to check my list again, then headed for the back door. Now mind you, I had been going inane out for a bit, and the alarm wasn't set. It was just me and the Furball, and he can't reach the control panel. And no matter how much he begs, I'm not getting him a phone, so he can't control the system.

Well, I opened that back door and all help broke loose. The siren (which I'm pretty sure is louder than advertised) started wailing, he dog started running in circles and howling and a loud, disembodied voice directly behind me suddenly said, "Hello, is everything okay?"

I dang near had a heart attack.

Who knew you could butt dial your alarm?